The Puzzle

September 24, 2013

When you’re young, life is simple. You eat, you play, you watch TV, you dream, you live. Your main source of comfort and care is your family – or, so it’s supposed to be. Then, you grow up a bit, and things aren’t so simple. Family changes; you change. Reality rears it’s head more obviously. You don’t feel what you used to feel, so you go somewhere else – searching for what you feel is missing. 

Sadness and pain are the emotions that surface. You cover them with anger. You may have momentary lapses of “happiness,” but they leave. You continue searching to find more and more pieces of happiness; unfortunately, they become smaller and harder to find, so you try to make due.

Life turns into a vortex of confusion and mistrust and self-loathing. You sink deeper and deeper and dream of “the one” who will come to rescue you from the pit you call your life. You stumble through life wearing the face you think people want to see, hoping they won’t notice the cracks. You act out – waiting for someone to pull aside and help you put the puzzle of your life back together. You hope to become more whole.

The pieces may never come together. Your focus needs to be on what has come together – the healed pieces of your history will carry you to where you want to be. Let go of the rest of the pieces. They’ll be found when the time is right – when you are ready.

OR, let your life become a different puzzle than you started building. A new puzzle that with each new day, another new piece is found, until the puzzle becomes whole.

Don’t let the years pass without adding the pieces to the puzzle of your life. They may be jumbled, but they’ll be put into place eventually if you open your heart and mind and life to the ones around you.

~Going over my past tends to make me yearn for what once was – to an extent. Ultimately, the past makes me want what I have right now even more! The past and present are pictures of me; they outline the evolution of my life. What has been is important but not as important as what is now.~

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Placated?

September 6, 2013

Self confidence…..c’mon now……step up already! The idea that I’m being placated popped into my head yesterday. I want to ask, but it’s kind of a catch 22. The person being asked may be offended, OR I will receive an answer I do not want to hear.

I am just going to review what has been said to me and what has been done to me (nothing bad, I promise…..it’s actually quite a good thing) and go with the “fact” that it was for real…….not for placation.

 

Parallel Universe

September 5, 2013

Ever been with someone, and the whole world seems to disappear around you – as if there’s only the two of you in the world? It’s like you’ve time traveled into a parallel universe. I love when that happens, but I’m thinking it could get dangerous.

Dislike.

August 30, 2013

Why must I have more stress at home than in my challenging classroom?

Off the Grid

August 12, 2013

Writing just hasn’t been my thing lately; well, aside from a few journal entries. But, last night started my mind thinking, therefore, I write…….lucky you guys!

So, I’m a teacher. Last night, I watched one of those “teachers are so inspiring” movies. I’m sure being like that is a dream of most teachers; it was mine. Sadly, I seriously doubt I will ever be one of those. I try to inspire my students; I try to get my name and face burned into their memories. I’m not one of those who when their former students graduate, get thought of as……”Oh, Mrs. J……. was my favorite teacher; she was so cool!” It seems as soon as they get into the next grade up from mine, they forget all the things they said just last year. Makes me kinda sad.

In my mind, I have one student that I thought I had impacted. Well, he’s going to be a junior in HS this year. Not even he cares (it seems) who I am or what I did for him and his family. I also had his brother in my class; at least he’ll say hi to me. Just last year, I had their little sister………we’ll see how long she notices me. I love that family, and I would happily do it all over again. I don’t know, maybe when they are adults, I will cross their minds occasionally?

Anyways, there will be no awards in my future. No grand acknowledgments of my contributions. Only will become, a forgotten one.

Work.

February 9, 2013

So, I have come to realize that my school year is dragging all the good out of me. I’ve run out of good. I’ve got to get myself and classroom back on a better track. I’m so sick of demanding, complaining, blaming, lazy parents. Why can’t I go a week w/o an annoying email, note, phone call, or classroom visit? Why am I only to blame for the grades? I continue to come up w/different teaching strategies to help them absorb the information. The information is not presented in a fashion that is over their heads. We have discussion; we do review; we incorporate books and art and writing into the subject. I am really trying.

Now, my other irk is the one student that I feel is out to make me crazy. He’s a bully, a thief, a braggart, a liar, and his parents take little or no actions in regards to his behavior. They blame the other kids involved – or me. I don’t know how to get through to this kid. He’s pushing me to the edge. I have snapped once or twice…….bad me, I know. So, I’m REALLY working on not letting him “make me” do that. Aaargh. I need this year to end.

I took a “sick day” the other day just to get out of there. I needed a mental health half day. Can’t really just do that. So, I got my one half day…….at least I had that. Now, to just make it through the rest of the year.

Help.

“Peanut”

January 4, 2013

There was no easy in her life

Each day was a fight

But she had a mom ready for the fight

A mom who loved every inch of her, regardless

Snuggled, fed, walked, talked, spoiled, bragged, cheered, smiled, cried

Until the little life was taken away

Away from that mom

No words can console

Although years have passed

The little one

Remains forever in hearts and minds

Watching from the skies above

Singing her songs on the lap of God.

2012 Ends

January 1, 2013

Am I sad that 2012 is gone? Not particularly. Only had one awesome, most amazing, wonderful, fabulous, dreamy thing happen during the year. So, aside from that one day, nothing pops out for me.

I admit to feeling a twinge of sadness due to the passing of yet another year. My children are growing up incredibly fast. My son towers over my 5’11 frame. My daughter is not far behind. I will be taking his senior pictures later this year. My baby is all grown. Both kids will be gone in June, so I will be suffering from empty nest syndrome.

My life is wrapped up in those two – even though I’m married. I see them so much more than I see my husband. Used to make me sad and lonely. Now, it’s just the way it is, and I’m ok with it. I mean, someone’s gotta pay the bulk of the bills, right? Kinda feel like roommates sometimes. Hate that.

As I forge ahead with the new year, I refuse to make any resolutions. Those are dumb. Why do I need a new year to better myself? I can better myself w/o a NY’s resolution, thank you very much. Sick of people making them and not keeping them. We are a pathetic creature, aren’t we. Humans. Aargh. I choose to not be like most. I choose to be a little different. I choose to fly under the radar and stay out of trouble. I choose to take care of my problems as opposed to blaming others for them. I don’t believe in scapegoats. I take blame for mistakes, actions, comments, etc. I did them. No one made me. So, no playing the victim here. I fix and move on and improve myself.

And, btw, quit telling me “Happy New Year” everywhere I go and on everything I see. It’s not like you can make it happy. I make it happy! Well, with a little (ok, more than a little) help from Above. Without Him, I would not survive.

Christmas Songs

December 14, 2012

It’s a known fact in my little world that I do not like Christmas songs. S’pose one of the reasons is the fact that stores blast their customers with irritating renditions that stab you in the eardrum, starting in freakin’ October. Had to “yell” at my students the other day for singing the “batman smells” version of “Jingle Bells.” Really, how stupid is that?! ‘Course, it could also be that I just really hate the “JB” song and most secular, as one might say, Christmas songs. As for the songs we grew up in the church listening to…….those are a little better. But, I absolutely hate it when people like Taylor Swift and Bieber destroy those songs (many others do, too……just the first two that came to mind at this point). They sing these religious-rooted songs with zero passion for the meaning of Christmas. School concerts do the same thing (elementary, jr. high, and high school). Tell me why it’s ok for a skanky-dressed high school-er is singing “Breath of Heaven” as a solo during a Christmas concert. Does she actually realize what the song is about? Does she even let the words she’s singing register in her brain? She has no clue or heart for the lyrics and message. That song can be deeply emotional, and should be sung that way. So, yeah, I hate Christmas carols/songs. Sorry.

While I’m airing my grievances………why is Christmas abbreviated as “X-mas?” Had a student do that. I asked her: Why do you do that? Why are you X-ing out Christ? She didn’t know what to say. The class had a little conversation about the whole meaning of Christmas thing. No, it’s not about being with family and giving/receiving gifts. I said, straight up, that without Christ, there would be no Christmas. It wouldn’t have been “invented.” Do you realize that?

Just some stuff to “chew on.” I hate what Christmas has turned into. We are a sad world lacking in love, peace, joy, happiness, kindness……..you know, all that stuff that our Christmas cards and songs sing about that we ignore – or X out.

Had a Muse

December 4, 2012

The sky is gray and heavy

Limbs of trees reach out and up

Waiting for the rain to fall

The branches long to catch the rain, to feed it’s roots

The dry ground crackles in anticipation of moisture

The sky splits, opens up

Pouring out the rain to quell the desperate cries from life below

The droplets fall and cling to the leaves, the branches, the blades of brown grass

The ground pulls in the wetness

Satiating the layers of Earth

The rain slows, seeing the needs have been quenched

The sun begins to peek

A rainbow forms

Showing all it’s glory and smiling upon nature

Leaves drip tears of joy

The coolness, the calm, echoes through the peaceful sounds of creation